Gratitude

My house looks more and more like me every day. Things are finding their way into the little corners and culverts of my various rooms, finding their way and making those spaces their own. I always guage my level of progress in a new space by the status and location of my tool kit. At the moment, it is sitting on a chair, tucked beneath my dining room table, with the lid half on. Translated this means I am not finished with it or the house, so it's out, but I'm getting there and not using tools all day long, so it's kind of tucked away. Once it is nestled comfortably in the storage space, lid snugly secured, I'll know I am finally at peace.

I learned something important today about single parenting. I was watching a woman angry with her ex-husband about his emotional unavailibility remind him mercilessly of his past transgressions. It was interesting because I feel her pain: I know how the joy of special firsts is squashed by the lonliness of no one to share them with. I understand the frustration of someone else putting your child to bed because you have to work. I have carried at once the baby, the groceries, the mail, the coffee, and the car seat, then dropped the car keys. I have paced for miles; I have cried in the night.

You only know these things when you have children of your own, so now, the children only see her anger and they don't understand it. She may have always been there, but she didn't own her aloneness, and being present in anger isn't enough. Today, this woman's children see only the kindness of a father trying to make up for his loss and the cruelty of a woman trying to escape the darkness within her. Do you see my lesson in this?

I have a lot of gratitude today for my son, my health, my home, and my independence. The kitchen I missed beyond belief is sparkling in the dim light of the oven lamp and the baby is sleeping perfectly in my room. I have been eating fresh fruit and buttery croissants all day long, marking my return to normalcy as my cycle has returned. It was a lovely holiday, but thank goodness I'm a woman again.

My commitment for today is to stop writing and speaking in cliches. I hope I make it.

peace~