A List

Things I Have Done While Carrying A Baby On My Back:

1. Walked eight miles.
2. Painted a house.
3. Painted a bar.
4. Painted my toenails.
5. Put on make-up.
6. Gone to a job interview.
7. Conducted job interviews.
8. Packed and unloaded the entire contents of my house. Twice.
9. Attended a flamenco rock concert.
10. Performed in a flamenco rock concert. Just kidding.
11. Done the dishes.
12. Cooked spring rolls.
13. Visited a prison.
14. Swam laps.
15. Attended a poetry reading.
16. Attended class.
17. Attended to a bleeding junkie.
18. Carried groceries home.
19. Cleaned three houses.
20. Wrote seventeen newspaper articles and half a dozen blog entries.

I love being a momma.

peace~

Haiku

Silvery fishes
Silent in watered darkness
Stewie will catch them.

~For my good pal Stewie, a semi-retired fisherman.

Gratitude

My house looks more and more like me every day. Things are finding their way into the little corners and culverts of my various rooms, finding their way and making those spaces their own. I always guage my level of progress in a new space by the status and location of my tool kit. At the moment, it is sitting on a chair, tucked beneath my dining room table, with the lid half on. Translated this means I am not finished with it or the house, so it's out, but I'm getting there and not using tools all day long, so it's kind of tucked away. Once it is nestled comfortably in the storage space, lid snugly secured, I'll know I am finally at peace.

I learned something important today about single parenting. I was watching a woman angry with her ex-husband about his emotional unavailibility remind him mercilessly of his past transgressions. It was interesting because I feel her pain: I know how the joy of special firsts is squashed by the lonliness of no one to share them with. I understand the frustration of someone else putting your child to bed because you have to work. I have carried at once the baby, the groceries, the mail, the coffee, and the car seat, then dropped the car keys. I have paced for miles; I have cried in the night.

You only know these things when you have children of your own, so now, the children only see her anger and they don't understand it. She may have always been there, but she didn't own her aloneness, and being present in anger isn't enough. Today, this woman's children see only the kindness of a father trying to make up for his loss and the cruelty of a woman trying to escape the darkness within her. Do you see my lesson in this?

I have a lot of gratitude today for my son, my health, my home, and my independence. The kitchen I missed beyond belief is sparkling in the dim light of the oven lamp and the baby is sleeping perfectly in my room. I have been eating fresh fruit and buttery croissants all day long, marking my return to normalcy as my cycle has returned. It was a lovely holiday, but thank goodness I'm a woman again.

My commitment for today is to stop writing and speaking in cliches. I hope I make it.

peace~

Strawberries in my Golden Grahams

I moved. Again. Just settling in to my new place, which I love. It is a two bedroom plus storage space in a house with two other suites. Technically it's a ground level apartment, but my bedroom is underground due to a creative sloping of the front yard. I've painted it warm, yummy colours, which, incidentally and without intention, match perfectly with the hair and complexions of all my favourite people.

I was reading a daily affirmation by one of my heroes, Melodie Beattie, in which she suggests the idea that things happen too slowly, too quickly, at the wrong time, or whatever is an illusion. Timing is perfect, says Melodie. With this in mind, I say, the place from which I just moved and all the chaos and heartbreak generated there was exactly where I needed to be at the time, because it led me here.

The neighbourhood is interesting. There's a park a block away and a primary school that I will not send Kaeden to, but is nice to have around anyway. There is the Typical of Nanaimo Token Crack Shack two doors down, which is okay since it makes for delightful evening entertainment in case the satellite ever goes down. That's the other thing: the rent includes heat, hydro, laundry, and ... wait ... satellite TV. I won't get into a big schpeal about the evils of TV; it's nice to have for babysitters and for myself when I'm in the mood for a movie.

I can walk downtown from here in about sixteen minutes. I haven't tried it, but I'll bet Kaeden's grandparents are about the same distance walk in the other direction, and there is a store close enough to walk to in case I ever have a burning desire for candy worms or a tabloid newspaper. Across the street is a guy who has been cutting down and into pieces the hugest tree in the city (just a phrase; don't call the historical society to fact check) for about a week. In the dark the twisted, masticated trunk looks like a medium-sized elephant.

Upstairs is a girl I used to work with and her boyfriend. They are extremely cool and like to listen to death metal. I don't know a lot about this kind of music, but I'm looking forward to learning. They've invited me to let Kaeden play in thier part of the yard one day, and that sounds good because they have a nice garden. In back is a woman who rides a moped and is equally pleasurable to live attached to. She cares a lot about this house, I can tell, and is constantly giving me little tips on how to settle in with ease. For example, she suggested I not park so close to the road because people use our driveway for a turnabout and might take my car out. Also, she warned me about leaving things outside, in light of our twitchy neighbours two doors down. In all, I am in a good place, surrounded by good people, and I am going to stop using the word "good" now because I'm reminding myself of Martha Stewart.

All right then. Typing makes me tired for some reason. I've finished my cereal and am going to take one last look around for a little bag of screws I've been searching for since seven o'clock, then maybe head to sleep.

The night is just another way to experience day.

peace~