Christmas Eve ... a weirdly happy yet melancholic day in my world. It's 7 a.m. and I just noticed another one of those fuzzy, incoherant fogs creeping in, reminding me immediately of the ambiguity of my feelings about this holiday. I am pleased at the prospect of seeing my family (some of it), my friends, and relatively happy strangers. I have sparkly little gifts all over the place, which I wrapped mostly in fabric or decorative boxes to make my impact on the earth miniscule this year. Giving is exciting for me, even if it just means hanging a lil' somthing on someone's door knob and driving away. I do this all year round, though, so there is no foriegn element to the glee of it all.
It is a time of reflection for me too, and I think that's where some of the melancholy comes from. I miss the simplicity and joy that Christmas was as a kid. Travelling about from house to house, seeing family, eating yummy food, opening presents, and falling asleep in the car on the way home. Those are nice memories. I miss my sister a lot, all the time, but now especially. She hasn't met my son yet, which is tragic, but unavoidable. I miss Kaeden's dad a lot, especially now. Last year this time there was so much about him I didn't understand (maybe didn't want to understand?), and I wonder if we'll ever get past the confusion, the hurt, the wanting peace so bad but it always being just outside our reach. I hope so. Nonetheless, our sweet little baby was already growing inside of me last Christmas. That's him above.
I have a long day ahead of me. I am delivering gifts of cookies and other treats, then heading to my dad's later on. Christmas Eve always seemed more like Christmas than the actual day, so I am excited and thrilled I finished all my fussing early. Like November. I made it through yesterday without stocking up at the liquor store, although admittedly I needed an escort to the mall in order to avoid this. It's just too easy.
Time to get sparkled up for the day. I am sending healing, safe, comforting, empathetic energy out to everyone today, especially those suffering on this emotionally voltile holiday. Remember: it's just a day, and if you can make it through without giving up, picking up, or throwing up, that's one more big, fat accomplishment under your belt.
Happy Holidays and Peace be with Everyone.
3 comments:
I miss the simplicity of Christmas as a kid too. These days when I fall asleep in the car on the way home, I end up in the ditch.
Haha ... touche.
I hear you on this one Jesi. X-mas hasn't been the same since the x-mas after my parents split.
FOra number of years I actually had panic attacks on X-mas eve. Now I jsut approach things as cynically as possible, and I seem to get through the season a lot more comfortably...
--Xen0
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